Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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