She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
