If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize