i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize