You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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