I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
