i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize