frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
