i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
