I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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