I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
