My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
