Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
