got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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