in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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