how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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