be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
