i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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