what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
