she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
