If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
