i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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