was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
