Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize