Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
