this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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