Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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