you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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