How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
