i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
