thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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