Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
