she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
