I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
