I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
