So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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