I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
