Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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