How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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