listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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