I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
