Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
