I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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