RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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