the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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