my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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