I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
