as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
