Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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