im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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