No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Shitshow foam night was such a success
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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