a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We have so much sex to catch up on
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize