im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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