when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize