I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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