i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
