ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
