I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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