I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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