i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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