Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
