I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is wine microwaveable?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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