Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I want her autograph on my taint
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
