I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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