Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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