I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
