The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
