..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize